Accordingly: If you see a person once a year and its Christmas day, you have to communicate on Christmas day. If you see them every week, you can bring this up as a holiday conversation near Christmas day. Or maybe you celebrate a different holiday. Use the apropos visit frequency with any holiday.
We're going to ask our elder who is going to get rid of all their shit when they're dead. (not like that though, keep reading) Because, like most of the people I know this is looming large, unspoken, like an elephant in the room, or a collection of cherubs in a room, or dusty boxes of TimeLife magazines in a room. You know who I'm talking about.
Why is it looming?
The Great Depression vs. The Great Recession
An item often neglected in comparison essays of our most defining crises is financial infrastructure and how it translates to people. Most essays like this one by Geoffry Michael, compare the causes of crisis, while breezing over the symptoms as mere statistics. The people who talk about this stuff are economists experts first and human beings second. What really matters to us is our own household economy.
- People had less space and less stuff in 1929.
- Credit cards didn't exist yet, so people were paying cash for their belongings.
- Grocers had their own credit lines for people living on the margins.
- Household items weren't made out of plastic yet.
- Not living in a manufactured obsolescence market. Their goods weren't disposable.
When the economy crashed, let's pretend its '29. Its not that you can't go get a loan because your FICA score is dented up a bit. Instead your food supply is cut off. So is your heat. Your kids get sick, perhaps die. You might pack up your valuables and flee from your creditors to the rough country of the midwest. New emergency assistance was put in place to save American lives.j
The kids that grew up with that trauma, gave birth to the boomers, and they passed that second hand traumatic mentality of clinging to everything down to them.
Everything was valued and cherished, even irreplaceable.
The nostalgia of that family connection became a marketable fashion trend for households. Antiquing became a significant part of our retail environment. Hoarders became a thing due to the effects of escalation. Contrast that with today's automation, the advent of plastics, engineered obsolescence, and the rise of the information age, coupled with the adverse effects of generational loss of do it yourself capability. No need to repair>inexpensive plastic>easily replaceable abundance>junk>landfill.
So when the market crashed again in '07, this time our belongings lack value of attachment. This time people are streamlining, becoming mobile, or becoming minimalists. People are now looking to pinterest to learn how to do things grandma knew how to do when she was 7 years old. Its not the physical tools we're valuing; its the survival skills we covet. We're trying to buy less and rely on our hands more. We're longing for things like:
- Changing oil.
- Glazing windows.
- Making soup.
- Foraging for syrup.
- Crafting laundry detergent.
And this generation doesn't want all the stuff that's accumulated over the years, because most of that is crap too! A hundred year old butter churn? Sure. Maybe if you're handy you can repurpose it into a shelving unit for your Kleen Canteens. But most of it is just unwanted junk. For many boomers, this is hard truth to reconcile.
So, how do you breach this with an unaware loved one?
Hint dropping: "I heard that the antique mall in Stillwater has decreased its space by half!" "Really?" "Yeah, apparently the market for passing down items has really declined and things aren't selling well."
Or, "It was so sad when Margaret passed, and it to top it off, it was so hard on Jon and Judy because they couldn't comfortably take the time to really go through all of her things"
**Hints only work if they aren't having memory problems, which is another issue entirely**
Start specific: "You know Carl and I have been wondering about your sewing machine, do you still use it?, yeah because we'd really like to keep that in the family." Converse about projects or whatever "... no nothing else comes to mind" and probably "No not that either. Nope. Not that either"
Be direct: "Hey, I don't know if you're thinking about downsizing your unused belongings, I'm here if you want to talk about that process. It sure would help me out a lot if we started that."
***Please comment below with other ideas to open this can of worms.***
Those are just a few ways to politely let them know you are thinking about them and their transition. Its also really important to stay confident and know what your stance is the topic. At the same time its also important to listen and know where your place is too. We're still talking about their life, and their stuff. Don't get ahead of yourself and treat them like they're dead already. Yet stay firm so they know that you don't want a mountain of unwanted responsibility when they go.
Its a project you can work on together that is intimate, and if done with teamwork will bring you closer together before they go.
Nobody wants their legacy to be that they left their children with a burden. So be honest. Be loving. Be strong. Be helpful. Be present. Be part of a family.
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